Categories
Weightloss Chronicles

HAPPY NEW YEAR DEAR DIARY {Weightloss chronicles #2}

Happy New Year Dear Diary,

2015 and another year of promise.

You know how ill I have been this past year.  And you know that illness has gone so much deeper than skin deep.  And you also know that I have been avoiding the inevitable, the obvious, the thing I must confront before I can even begin my journey back to mental health.

HEALTHY BODY, HEALTHY MIND

I haven’t wanted to face it. I haven’t wanted to take responsibility.   I have been waiting for some divine intervention, some bolt of motivation to enter my body that would render me incapable of doing anything but answer the call of fitdom.

None came.

And so my body broke down.  Again and again.

I am a slow learner it seems.

I will often imagine the time when I die and pass over to wherever it is my soul might go and I interrogate the people that handed out willpower and motivation and ask them why they didn’t dole out copious amounts to me.  And I imagine imploring them as to why they not only decided to make me fat, but also bald and an alcoholic as well, like some cruel twist of sadism.  I imagine them cowering at my anger, spewing out excuses promising never to do that to me again.  I look at them, smugly, nodding my pleasure at my indignant voice and how they bowed to it.  I feel vindicated, pompous, my job is done.

Except it isn’t done.  I’m dead.  I lived my entire life lamenting my weight, my hair, my inability to drink and a whole heap of other things besides.  And in all likelihood because I failed to act, my demise has come early.  I never did get to taste the sweet taste of health, vitality, peace of mind.

And that is the point.  As far as we know for absolutely sure, we only have one life.  We only have one crack to make it a good one. What a good one looks like is different for everyone and what looked good yesterday might not be good today, but without your health it doesn’t matter.  Without health we have nothing.  And when we have done being not healthy, we die.  Often earlier than expected.

Nearly two years ago, I came across this youtube video.  Two years.  Despite all the evidence I ignored all the signs.  I did not want to get up off my ass and do something.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUaInS6HIGo]

But today, dear Diary, this the first day of the new year, I am making changes.  My body is not liking it one bit.  My body is yelling its displeasure at me, but I am overruling it.  For today, I am overruling it.

For that is how I conquer my addiction to alcohol each day.  I simply don’t drink for one day.  Nor the next, or the next.  One day at a time, I am taking my sobriety to five years in just a couple of weeks time.

I have to be able to replicate that for my body.

And so it is, my first step to HEALTH this year – Exercise.

Just writing it, my mind recoils.  We have never enjoyed exercise, my mind and I.  I have stark memories of coming last in every race, of never hitting the hockey ball for the entire match, of being selected for the netball team based on my height alone and being told to avoid the ball at all costs due to my inability to actually catch the thing, of being wonderfully at home in the water swimming, but never being fast enough for any team.  My brain is screaming at me “why are you putting us through this!

But this time, all I am doing is walking.  I have invested in a Fitbit and all I am going to do is move my body every day.  For the recommended 10,000 steps.  I am told that this is about an hours worth of walking every day.  I can do that.  I absolutely can do that.

My brain, as you know, dear Diary, is telling me I can’t and I won’t lie the walk around the lake was tough.  As Mr C and I walked, all I could think of was the jiggling belly and the chaffing underarm fat, and the sweating back fat.  I kept imagining people looking out of their net curtained windows, in shock, some laughing, at this lily white obese woman walking past their door.  But 7,000 steps later and I had made it home.  Sweaty and slightly red in the cheek I grant you, but after my 30 minute walk I had made it two thirds of the way to my goal.  I still have to walk the dogs tonight, so I am hopeful I can achieve it.

Fitbit

It’s so much more than just losing weight isn’t it Diary?  People think that willpower alone would cure the obesity problem, but it won’t.  It doesn’t.  It requires facing your demons.  It requires facing your fears and doing it anyway.  And that is no mean feat.  No one tells you that really.  No one tells you the gut wrenching fear that grips you as you step out into the sunshine to take your first walk, or your first healthy food shop, or your first green smoothie (which taste surprisingly good, by the way).  No one tells you that.

You see it, of course, on programs like The Biggest Loser, but until you experience it, you can’t know.  Much like giving birth.

But today, I pushed through that fear.  I did it.  And tomorrow I may just do it again.

Until next time Diary,

SHW Signature

Categories
Ramblings

The dreaded selfie

I am not a fan of the selfie.

To be honest, it all seems narcissistic to me.  I love photographs, don’t get me wrong, but this era of The Selfie just seems, well,self indulgent.

Quite often my Instagram account will get “liked” by scantily clad women whose account is nothing more than one boring selfie after another.  It just seems to me nothing more than over-the-top self promotion and I don’t see the point.

This probably makes me boring and staid, and, yes, I am aware, quite judgemental.

I have, of course, taken the odd selfie.  I am not immune.  Which makes my judgement somewhat hypocritical I know.  However, in my defence I don’t plaster said selfies all over the place.  They are primarily used for photos for my various online accounts – you know those little avatars that require an image of you?

Ironically, the most shared selfie I have is this one:

Completely bald, yep, that's me with no hair.  I shave my head every two days to keep it smooth so the wig can suction on and I feel secure.
Completely bald, yep, that’s me with no hair. I shave my head every two days to keep it smooth so the wig that I wear can suction on and I feel secure.

It is me, bald.  It is me laid bare.  It is me showing my vulnerability.  It is me saying “Hey world, this is me, take it or leave it.”

I may not be a fan of the selfie, but I am actually pretty proud of this shot.

It represents my mantra for 2014 – to face and live my truth, to no longer be afraid of not fitting in, to learn to value myself with all of my imperfections, to know that I am enough.

What about you, how do you feel about the selfie?  Fan or not?

Until next time,

SHW Signature

 

 

 

This post was written as part of #reverb14 – a blogging initiative hosted by Kat McNally.  The month of December is a good time to reflect on the year that was and for us to contemplate the reverberations that we send out into the world.  Please do hop on over to Kat’s blog and if you feel moved to do so, please join in.  Today is Day 7 of the initiative.
Categories
To You

Thankful Thursday {Choosing Gratitude}

I think it is safe to say that I have been having a pity party this week.

I’ve been feeling extremely sorry for myself.

I’ve been looking at myself and lamenting all the things that are wrong with me – my baldness, my obesity, my crappy nails, my crappy feet.  You know, that systematic attack us women do on each and every part of our body.

Then two things happened.

I read this post from the beautiful Rachel over at The Chronic Ills of Rach

And I read this post from That Summer Feeling.

I know that this depression thing totally sucks.  That there are times when living life on its own fucking terms doesn’t seem to work.  I know that looking at myself and systematically denigrating all that I am is just a manifestation of the toxic ball of shit that I feel inside.  I know this.

And it is because I know this that when I read those posts I could step outside of myself for just a little bit.  It is because of this, I could choose to work on something that wasn’t about me.  It is because of this knowledge that I strive each and every single day to live a life that is better than the day before it.  It is because of this that I want to BE better.  It is because of this that I WILL be better.  It is because of this that I don’t want to take the life I have for granted.

How grateful I am to be living in a time and place where I can connect with such incredible beings who live thousands of kilometres away, who inspire me so much.

How grateful I am to be sober, to be working on myself each and every day so that I can be more present for my family, so that I can work towards living my best life.

How grateful I am to live in a time where the quality of wigs are so incredible that no-one knows I am wearing one unless I tell them.

How grateful I am to be able to create, to be able to contribute some goodness to this world, rather than take away from it.

How grateful I am to be alive, right here, right now, in this moment, talking to you, telling you my story.

How grateful I am that you are reading my story.

Today, this Thursday, I am simply grateful.

Much love,

SHW Signature